Farro, Cannellini Bean, and Parsley Pesto Salad

Farro, Cannellini Bean, and Parsley Pesto Salad makes for a healthy, brightly flavoured lunch.
Full of fibre, protein, and texture, this is a fresh way to fuel your body.

I am yet again, overwhelmed by the response I’ve been receiving from my last post about disordered eating. It was unbeknownst to me that so many people have been fighting this battle for so long. It makes me so incredibly sad to hear that anyone else has ever felt this way about life and themselves, but I can’t help but feel a camaraderie among those who’ve reached out to me with their own stories. As if each of us found the strength to power through, and we’re lending each other strength to be healthy and to do what’s right for our bodies. It’s a bittersweet gathering of people, but I am honoured to be learning so much more about my readers.

A classmate from high school messaged me with words of strength, inspiration, and heartfelt care. Back in the day, we weren’t ever particularly close. We ran in similar circles, we’d have lunch in the band room together at times, but for the most part, we never shared much. I had no idea what she had been through and it just makes me so sad that she went through this in high school. High school is already hard enough, let alone adding this. It is a completely isolating battle. You feel so alone. You feel like everything is your fault and only you can make it better, and you can control what happens next—but that’s when we lose control of ourselves.

I think one of the hardest things for me even still is to admit that I actually have a problem. Labelling the disordered eating habits as an actual eating disorder is scary to me. It happened so fast for me—it was only extremely bad for about 3 weeks. I’ve been recovering ever since. There are a few days where I lapse and I put off eating longer than I should, but for the most part, I’m eating fairly regularly, and eating well. But does the fact that I ever feel those feelings…does that make me have an eating disorder? I’m afraid to label myself as anorexic.

I’m afraid to admit to myself that while it isn’t as serious of a problem anymore, it still is something that I’m struggling with. In response to my last post, one of my friends left a comment that hit so close to home, I felt it necessary to share with you guys.

I think one of the things that makes psychological issues so scary is that, from the outside, they seem so irrational that it’s easy to tell yourself that it would never happen to you because you know better. And then suddenly you realize that it *has* happened to you. Maybe it snuck up on you, or maybe you saw it coming but still couldn’t stop it, but either way, it’s a sobering realization.

– Brenda

I’ve been telling myself for weeks that I know I need to eat. I know I need to take care of myself. I know what I’m feeling isn’t healthy. But here I am, standing before my open fridge as I ponder what I should make for my next meal. I briefly consider eating just a small snack before I think, no. I need to eat. Even still, I stand in front of the mirror and look at my body with a sense of longing for even more slender legs, a flatter stomach, skinnier arms. I am afraid of over-exercising and over-regulating what I eat because I know what the symptoms of anorexia are.

It’s a lonely battle, and I’m only starting to be able to open up to those who’ve experienced EDs. I know, weird, right? I am fine with blasting it on here, but it’s hard for me to talk about it in conversations. But even still, I am utterly floored by the kindness of strangers, friends, and acquaintances alike. I just wanted to reassure everyone that I will be okay. I know what I need to do, and while I still have some off days, I have a huge support system around me to remind me to take care of myself and that my body is something to be loved.